Say it ain't so.

This night, I am sitting here contemplating the seemingly infinite possibilites for my life. Today, as I drove back with my little sister with a greasy little treasure chest of Long John Silver's chicken and KFC's mashed potatoes, I gained an unespected little nuggest of insight from an incredibly unlikely source. It was from a little country ditty Carrisa had kept me from changing because she liked the song, and the line went something like 'I learned that happiness isn't just for high achievers', a truth that seems blatantly obvious, when probed from shallow depths, but is incredibly mind-blowing, once you begin to delve down into the conceptions of happiness. Personal reflection time. What makes me happy, and why? Well, to remain objective and honest, I seek out my happiness through association. I write hesitantly, crafting extreme detail, and creating exquisite little literary wonders so that if perhaps a group were discussing talented writers, my name might come up. Likewise with hardworking teenage mothers. People would profess that I am an entirely selfless and admirable individual, for doing what I have to do in order to guaranteed the best possible outcome for myself and my son, but is it really all that selfless? I exert myself for my son, and eschew all excuses that may worm themselves into my head for his sake without a shadow of a doubt. But not entirely. Is it such a sin that I, like every other aspiring human being just starting out am clawing just as hard toward the top? That these wasted years, this sudden wake from that long, rolling sleep of worthlessness and solitude have to now be countered with productivity and success? I'm not egotistical to such an extent where I want to be the only one achieving, or even want to achieve the highest, be it house of greatest grandeur, most repeated name in the community, or even highest paycheck. I just want.. a situation to be 'wowed' at. A positive example, of a person overcoming odds so typical, yet so characteristically ruining, that other sincere girls, however rare they may be, will hesitate only briefly before following in my footsteps. I want to help by leading, yet I hope that all of that will come in good time. I can only pray that my happiness doesn't ride on eventual success, that this moderate contentment, this domestic bliss will last me all throughout my days, the proud and the shameful, and eventually allow me to be a bit easier on myself and the ones that I love.